Nepřihlášený uživatel | Zaregistrovat se

Dokud se budu bavit, tak se bavte jak libo. I když teda nové vtipy by nebyly na škodu...

Vcera jsem jedny holce po soulozi rekl:
"Na holku docela dobry..."
Netusil jsem, ze je takova hysterka...
CountZero - jak řidič v ruce  tygrova vůdce
History of Santa Claus

1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.

1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.

1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North
Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.

1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his
base camp, half-buried but still intact.

1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough
profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.

1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports

1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones
making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native

1720--Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It
was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government officials to begin an

1721--Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release
his records.

1722--The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus'
employees all turn against him and his company.

1723--Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all of the company's funds.

1724--A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he
and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally assumed that this
was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).

1725--Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.

1725-1734--The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toy making and business dealings.

1735--Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use
of almost half of the company funds.

1739--The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the
same year, Claus' wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.

1740--Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.

1745--Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.

1747--Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.

1748--Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts
and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.

1753--All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his
father's toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.

1755--The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to
flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.

1757--The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project--that of
breeding and training reindeer to fly.

1773--The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major form of transportation.

1774--A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and
is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a
stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other
leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are

1777--As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still
in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.

1784--On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during the Christmas day parade, and is
assassinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect for
the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in rebellion.

1785-1792--The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes
bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of his own castle.
Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the eleven communities.

1796--Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over 10,000 elves are killed.

1800--Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.

1802--After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the
Snowman is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.

1804--Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.

1819-1826--After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne.
Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.

1827-1841--The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints
his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start
the biggest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to
children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.

1837--Claus III dies.

1851--As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and
still take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help them. As a sign of
goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.

1856--Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores
use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it every year.

1857-1867--Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends
most of his time building up the company, doesn't seem to mind, in fact, he feels that it's good publicity.

1871--Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and
give the government back to the elves.

1872--Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west

1875--After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole.
Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus' suit later
changes from beige to red.)

1881--Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His funeral is not a large one.

1887--In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass
production on the assembly line.

1893--Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now
honors for "giving the government back to the elves."

1900--Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.

1902--After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions.
All throughout the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some day.

1906--Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't the least bit excited.

1909-1922--The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear
occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.

1925--Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid.
Many think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.

1926--Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric
lights are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the
toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.

1929--Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to remove the material goods to show the true
meaning of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the Grinch is made
out to be the villain.

1949--Claus VII is born.

1979--Claus VI dies of natural causes.

1933-1990--The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to
emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw them
away and then they tell their children that there is no Santa Claus.

1991--First sightings of Anti-Claus.

1993--Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the
reds and whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer
and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.

1997--Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole

Dva eskymáci brzy ráno vstanou a vyrazí přes zamrzlou pláň k moři na lov
mrože. Jdou dvě hodiny, přijdou k zamrzlému moři, vysekají v ledu velkou
díru, nachystají návnadu a s připravenými harpunami čekají. Za hodinu
mrož vykoukne, oni ho zabijí a vytáhnou z vody. Popadnou ho za ocas a
zpátky. Jde to ztuha, protože je to proti srsti a mrož navíc svými kly
drhne o led. Když takhle jdou tři hodiny a jsou teprve v polovině, potká je
vědec, který je v Grónsku na vědecké výpravě. Běloch je chvíli pozoruje a
pak říká: "Pánové, proč raději nevezmete toho mrože za kly a netáhnete ho
za ně? Vždyť by se vám to táhlo líp!" Pak pokračuje v chůzi. Eskymáci na
kouknou, pokrčí rameny a zkusí to. A skutečně, mrož se jim táhne mnohem
líp. Po hodině jeden z nich promluví: "Ty, to je fakt divný. Běloch.
Teprve pár měsíců tu je. A takhle skvěle nám poradil - ten mrož se nám
fakt táhne líp." Ten druhý zavrtí hlavou a říká: "No, já nevím, jestli nám
poradil opravdu tak dobře. Podívej, jsme zase zpátky u moře..."
Nmaster Every sperm is sacred,  every sperm is good.
Prvni prispevek v klubu Navrat krale: "Ahoj decka, tak su zpatky." Elvis na navsteve v Brne
tak hezky sem se dlouho nezasmal :]
Trafikant rika trem koktavejm kurakum: Kdo si koupi cigara bez zakoktani je ma zadara! 1.: Mamamallborara.. T.: Smula, caluj. 2.: Spapaparrtytyy. T.: Bohuzel. 3.: LM. T.: Cerveny, nebo modry? 3.: Tytyy hajhajzlele
ocs sine ira et studio  OCSite
Pridu programatori rano do prace a najdu tam nahnevaneho kolegu. Tak sa ho pytaju:
- "Preco si taky nastvany?"
- "Ale, robil som do noci jeden program."
- "A co, nefungoval?"
- "Ale nie, fungoval perfektne.."
- "Tak co sa stalo?"
- "Zaspal som na BackSpace...."
Q: Prečo na benzínkach predávajú cigarety, keď sa tam nemôže fajčiť?
A: V potravinach taky prodavaji toaletni papir...
Žena je jako demo program:

* Buď má omezenou dobu užívání,
* nebo má nejlepší funkce zakázané,
* nebo stále kecá, aby sis ji zaregistroval.
Vite jak se udela mala holka?

...prerizne se velka :-)
...a z kríkov sa ozýval dievčenský hlas, ktorý sa postupne menil na ženský...
- Počúvaj, ty si nejako pribrala! - hovorí ježibaba ježibabe. - To vieš, po deťoch...
Šachy jsou velmi dobrá hra, ale na strávení volné chvíle je mnohem lepší dáma.
Houby do nevtipnejch, snazim se ozivit tenhle klub ;)

- ...a pane doktore, jak mam ty prasky brat?
- Jeden rano v 8 a poradne zapit, dalsi v 10 a poradne zapit, pak si dejte
jeden ve 12 a poradne zapit, dalsi ve 4 odpoledne a poradne zapit
a posledni v 6 vecer a poradne zapit
- A pane doktore, co mi vlastne je?
- Malo pijete
Jde předseda JZD s agronomem kolem žitného pole. Tu uslyší zašustění klasů a naléhavé: "Už budu! Už budu!" "Slyšíš?" Povídá předseda. "To pole si o sklizeň přímo říká!"
Skupina zidovskych horolezcu stoupala kominem krematoria...
Na jisté VŠ měli profesora, který kódu ASCII stále sveřepě říkal ASC 2.
Studenti ho začali mezi sebou přezdívat DEB 49.
zweistein this.child  .execute();
Hadiak - Ty mna též -  Pozor had!
There are 10 types of ppl in this world,
those who understand binary and those who dont!